My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
