I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
