my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
