I understand Curling. That high.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
