If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
