the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
