Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
