That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
