he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
