I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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