i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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