Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
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Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
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Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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