I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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