Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
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