hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
