I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
