It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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