come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
