There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
