Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
