I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
