look no pants
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
