By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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