So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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