rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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