OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
