Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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