Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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