I could make wine with my vomit
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I love having hate sex.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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