I must be too annoying 4 u.
Don't make out with my wife yet
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
