he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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