Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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