when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
