I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
