Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
