I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
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I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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