i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
