Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
