I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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