He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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