I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
