I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
