He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
