Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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