I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
whose parrot is this?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
