Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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