i just google imaged poop.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
