I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
