Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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