Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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