We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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