bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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