I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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